I've always told you that you love nobody but yourself. You denied it countless times, but i was only partially wrong. I now correct my statement: you think you are the centre of the universe and that as long as others obey your rules, they will be in your favor.
You are not seeking for love. You are seeking for people to worship you.
They say love is blind. It's the 9th year now, and I think that i'm going blind. I really don't understand why i cling onto this relationship so long to get abused physically and mentally. I'm going green with envy at the love and care other boyfriends shower on their girlfriends, or husbands on their wives. I keep giving excuses to myself that you are different, i love you and as long as i'm happy, this relationship will be good.
However, i have been crying for the past 3 days. It started with you flaring up, spewing a string of insulting remarks with a contorted facial expression which shows hatred for me. Then i will protest at your bad behavior and ends up being accused that I AM the CAUSE of your behavior.
I know that you are an extremely impatient person. I also understand that you choose your friends carefully and hangs out with them as much as you can if they get along with you in terms of intelligence and capability. As much as I am talented in other areas, I am not seen fit to mix with you and your friends because i'm less eloquent, less smart, less feminine, less polite. A lesser person.
This is what i don't get. You understand how i was right from the beginning. What did you see in me? What made you choose to 'love' me? The most basic thing about love is that when you love a person's strengths, you choose to accept the partner's weaknesses.
In these 2 years time, there's never a day you go without calling me names. 'Pig', 'Dog', 'Idiotic', 'Silly'...and the hurtful list goes on. I protested and you denied, and then you said i provoked you with my behavior. Again. Then again. Soon, you justified your name calling by pointing fingers at my behavior.
There are a lot of times i feel uncertain with my choices, and i need guidance and patience and understanding. But i don't get it from you. You tell me that i'm not supposed to ask another time, i'm supposed to understand by now that you are impatient and i should just shut my trap and not ask again. I don't have the right to ask questions again and again, even when i am unsure.
I tried really hard, i did. I used a gentler voice to make an inquiry because I want absolute confirmation. I'm scared i get the facts wrong. However, no matter what tone i use, you will have a rage. I wonder whether it is because the people in your elite group could never do wrong.
Or, maybe, in your eyes, i'm quite worthless. You call my dressing ugly, you call me ugly when my face is peeling, you say my hair is ugly, you pick on my appearances. Then, you call me an emotional wreck, bad tempered grouch, and just plain annoying.
You confuse me. We used to say we will talk everything out and there will be no thorns in our hearts. But i feel you are gradually despising and feeling ashamed of me as a partner.
I'm showered with love by my parents and my other friends and i dont need to put up with this. I've been supporting you through thick and thin and never did i doubt your ability and competence. I always encourage you when you are down. I always believe that you will make it big and be successful.
I think i was being too hopeful. You will reach your goals one day, but maybe i'm not the right one for you. I don't think my encouragement and love are sufficient anymore.
Question to you: Do you want me to let you go? I do not want to break up but i am unhappy. I always look forward to my weekends but i really don't understand why my weekends are so bleak during my time with you. After typing all this, i think that you deserve a partner of your equal match.
Maybe i have not improved all these years, and you are looking for someone different.
I only want a lifetime partner who can share my concerns and happiness with me, making me feel safe and sheltered all the time. My partner does not have to be rich, but all i need is his patient understanding and i will feel like i can do anything in this world.
Are you willing to be this person? Or, would you like to move on since we are moving in different directions?
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